The Vent is Open

PREFACE/DISCLAIMER/THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW UP FRONT/THING:
Sometimes it's really hard to share your true thoughts and feelings about things as personal as your current understanding of this part of theology, or what you think the Bible says about X or Y, because there's always someone or someones (usually well-meaning) who want to comment and give their take and show you where maybe you've "missed the boat" or somehow misunderstood something, or just "gently correct" you. That was a really long sentence, but this is one of those times. Our relationships with God are a journey. We are always learning and discovering and falling on our faces and getting back up and being convicted about this or that and understanding things differently and going through things that change our whole perspective ... Agh, I'm rambling and not being clear. What I'm trying to say is this: None of us have this whole thing figured out. And the minute we try to act like we do, we've done ourselves and others a disservice.

I am NOT a fan of wishy-washy relativism. I don't think that "everybody's individual truth for them" is okay. I'm not advocating that everyone needs to find what works for them, or what they believe in their own heart. I believe in real Truth. Unchanging Truth. Truth set forth by an unchanging God. It really matters little what each individual believes—if it's wrong. It may make you feel good, it may make you "happy" but it's still wrong.

What I am saying though, is that I've finally come to the realization that I don't know jack squat, and I'm on a journey of discovery in my relationship with God — hopefully somehow getting closer to that Truth every day.

The point of this obnoxiously long preface thingy is to just acknowledge that I'm still working on all this stuff (that I'm about to share with you). So please bear with me and allow me to vent my admittedly non-cohesive thoughts on some matters as they stand right now in my brain and heart, but be aware that they are ever-changing as I continue to learn through this process. Oh, and try not to be offended, please (I'm assuming I might type something offensive to someone), but maybe not. Who knows? Here goes.

(Man, I FAIL at brevity — every time.)

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Can I be honest with you for a second (as if I haven't been this whole time)? Thanks. What the HECK is God doing? I have no freakin' idea, and and it's really upsetting me. This journey—physically, emotionally, spiritually—has been insane.

After I quit taking the drugs for my RA (something my wife and I agreed we thought was prompted by God), I watched my body literally fall apart in a matter of a couple months. I lost almost 40 pounds and all my muscle mass. I was in pain every single day. Tons of pain. More pain than I could imagine. Oh man, have I ever been through the ringer physically. But you know that. I've talked about that.

Let me tell you: 2009 has been a ride, spiritually, and right now, I just gotta be honest, I'm not so sure what the heck God's been doing. In some senses I feel like I'm so much more confused than I was this time one year ago. Other times, I've felt like I've taken leaps and bounds forward toward God. Let me just get some of this up on the screen...

I've learned a ton about what the Bible says about healing this year. It's pretty clear. I've had people who I love and respect confirm that the Bible pretty much straight up says that God's will is for restoration—that's exactly what Jesus came for—and that includes physically. Now don't freak out on me here. Like I said, I've found that the Bible is pretty stinkin' clear. God's not in the business of His children suffering. That's the Devil's business. Satan's here to kill steal and destroy, and Jesus came to defeat Satan. The Bible says in James 5, to "do this ... blah blah blah ... and you will be healed." It doesn't say that you "might" or "maybe God will think about healing you," it says that "you will."

And the Bible is also very clear in saying (multiple times) that if we ask God for anything in faith, according to His will, then He'll give it to us. Again, not maybe. It's ours. The Holy Spirit didn't mince words when he inspired those writers. I've been struggling and really wanting to fall into the trap of hanging out on that last part — according to His will — and using it as an excuse. "Well, I can't speak for God. I don't know His will. I guess if He doesn't heal me then I wasn't asking according to His will." I'm sorry, but that's bologna. At least in this case, we DO know God's will. He's revealed it to us by His very nature (Love) and by his Word, and if that wasn't enough, He sent his son to earth to demonstrate in an undeniable fashion what His will for us is. And in the case of physical ailments and disease, God's will is to heal. To restore. To redeem. Jesus did it every single time.

Trust me (or don't), but I've done A TON of study on this over the course of the last year, and it became very clear once I started looking and asking (I'll spare you all my 'proof' [see preface above]). God doesn't want me sick. This is not part of His design. When I ask for healing, I am asking according to the will of God. So what's the freakin' deal?

Over the past several months I have been prayed over numerous times. I have asked God for healing myself countless times. I've called the elders like it says in James 5 and had my head anointed with oil ... multiple times. We've gotten together in our home with friends and prayed and gone to others' homes and prayed. I've gone to healing ministries at churches and I've had people whose whole ministry is healing pray over me. People literally all over the country have told me that they've been praying for me. There has been no shortage of asking God for healing according to His will. And yet ...

And let me tell you another thing that I discovered through my studies in the Word this year. There is a major connection between healing and faith. I don't understand it. I don't get how it works, but it's there. In almost every instance of divine healing in the Bible, faith is mentioned. And in many cases, Jesus straight up says that it's because of your faith (or the faith of your friends) that you are healed. He couldn't be any clearer. Maybe I'm lacking faith, I don't know. It goes and comes. But I'll just tell you right now that there have been times along this journey that I have fully expected that God is going to do exactly what I'm asking Him to in faith—without any doubt. And, there have been many times that I've doubted. I'm all over the spectrum.

So, again, what's the deal? I believe that the Bible is Truth. I believe that what is written in there is Truth. We misinterpret things for our convenience all the time, but I've found over the past few months that much of what the Bible says is pretty darn clear if we don't intentionally muck it up. But this obviously brings me to the whole problem:

What the heck are we left with when what we believe (based on what the Bible says) is not substantiated by the evidence and experience of our lives and circumstances?

This is my dilemma. This is what has me so messed up. I don't know what to do with it, and I don't know what the freakin' deal is. But before I end this post and you think I'm having a crisis of faith, let me just reassure you with these few things (as concisely as I'm able):

• I don't know what the heck is going on
• But God does
• He is still sovereign no matter what I understand or don't
• Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see, so maybe I'm in a pretty darn good spot to demonstrate some faith—'cause I see nothing
• God's not done with me yet
• My story has an ending that's yet to be written
• My faith in God still has nothing to do with my physical condition

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Now that I got all that off my chest, here's the update with what's going on with me:

Nothing has worked. Every single thing that I've tried over the past 11 months has resulted in lots of pain and no improvement. I'm so tired of being in pain. I'm so tired of being so weak. I'm so tired of not being able to live normally and do the things I want to to.

In light of all that, the doctor in Reno has prescribed for me Humira. What's the big deal about that? Well Humira is one of the two dugs that I was on that I stopped taking in the first place 11 months ago. So, I'm back to where I was—back to where I didn't want to be again—taking the drugs.

So now what? Do I feel disappointed? Oh yeah. Sad? Big time. Angry? A little, sort of. Relieved to have something that I think will probably give me relief? Definitely.

I don't know what to think. My emotions are all over the place. I don't know what the heck God is doing through all of this (see above), and I don't know what the future looks like. What I do know is that I simply can't take the pain anymore, and I'm dying to regain some strength and feel 'normal' again. Oh, and for those of you who don't already know, I'm super-anxious to be able to perform the duties required of a father/husband starting May 2010! :) I'm not willing to not be up to that task.

On some levels I feel like a failure. It's true. I do. I'm not generally a quitter. I'm not accustomed to not succeeding in what I set out to do. In this case though, it's just plain not working. Nothing I've tried has worked, and God as chosen not to step in miraculously so far. So I'm faced with a decision that I hate to make and that I'm relieved to make at the same time. It's very strange.

So as soon as the Humira gets here in the mail, I'm gonna take it. And I'm gonna pray that it brings relief. And then ... I have no idea.

Doing battle.

Thanks for being the real deal. You all make God smile. Please pray for me this week if you think of it.

Here's a crazy story.

Oh man. There's so much to say. Every time I think about trying to sum it all up I get overwhelmed and then I just write nothing. It's a brilliant plan really.

Ok so when we last talked (or I last wrote and you last read), it was shortly after my smart sister's wedding, and I was feeling great due to the 60mg of Prednisone I was taking daily. That was August 19th. The doc told me to stay on the steroids through the end of August, and then start tapering off after that. At the time, I had no idea how long he meant when he said "taper off."

It turns out that I had to taper off the steroids incredibly slowly ... like ... as I write this eight weeks later, I'm still not completely off the prednisone. Steroids are the real deal, people. Hardcore drugs. They do things to you. Nasty things. Things that I didn't like in the least. And you can't quit 'em cold turkey either. Well you could, but it'll mess you all up.

Wait, let me back up and fill you in on the last eight weeks for a sec. I kept taking the Prednisone at 60mg/day through the end of August. Before the month was out I was definitely starting to gain weight back. Most of that was due to the fact that the stuff was giving me the most incredibly insatiable, gigantic appetite you have ever heard of. It was insane. I was eating everything in sight and still feeling hungry. It got very bothersome very quickly. Honestly, I'd eat so much that I'd get that bulbous, completely full, rock hard, unbutton your pants, right-after-Thanksgiving-dinner, ridiculously uncomfortable belly going on, and I'd still feel hungry. Not cool. Oh, and I wasn't sleeping either. I was up peeing during the night like 5 or 6 times. And in between I barely slept. So annoying.

Side effect #3 was/is the puffy face. Some people cal it moon face (I think the technical term is Cushingoid facies). A cursory search on the internet will reveal this common side effect of steroid consumption very quickly. This happened to me before when I took Prednisone for a short period of time, and it definitely happened this time too. Basically, as the name would suggest, my face got all puffy. It sucks. And it hasn't gone away yet. It may have gotten a little better, but it's still here and I still dislike it.

The last major side effect of the Prednisone, and the most alarming/nasty/annoying etc., was the acne. Crazy acne. No, people, you don't understand. This was insanity. It started on my forearms. Tons of zits. And more and more appearing every hour. They covered my arms ... so much that people thought it was a rash. And then they covered my chest ... and my thighs and my calves and my neck ... It. Was. Sick. Fortunately although my face did sprout like a 14 year-old's before homecoming, it never got too bad on that puffy part of me. I covered the rest of me up with clothing for the most part.

Anyway, I was a sleep-deprived, constantly-peeing, continually-eating, weight-gaining, puffy-faced, pimply mess. But the inflammation was mostly gone. Whooptie doo.

That there is how I spent pretty much all of September. I began the taper on September 1, and planned on being off by October 1. As I slowly decreased my steroid intake, thankfully some of the side effects started to diminish. I no longer have the crazy appetite (I've gained 16 pounds in the last month), the acne is slowly retreating, I'm sleeping again, and my face is a little less Cushingoid.

The bad news is that in the last week and a half, the inflammation has started to return. It seems to be getting a little worse every day. When I told the doc, he recommended that we slow the taper even more, and that is why I'm still not off the Prednisone completely. My wrists are already pretty bad, as are my hands (not fun at all especially considering the fact that my wife got me bass lessons for my birthday a couple weeks ago, and I'm now having trouble playing). Just in the last couple days my shoulders and back and elbows have decided to get back on the painwagon some too.

So, I think that about catches you up to today. The thing that I've neglected to mention here is the work that God has been doing in me Spiritually through all of this. That has been a crazy ride in and of itself. I'm gonna have to save that for a post of it's own though, 'cause this one's already long and I've got to go to bed. Let me just say that I'm not done questioning, I'm not done asking, and I'm not done believing. Please continue to pray with/for me when you think of it.

I'm still alive.

I'm not dead ... Stay tuned for an update.*

*Sometime soon.

Man, I feel GREAT this morning!

**There's tons to tell, and the story is much more complicated than simply "I feel GREAT," but that happens to be true right now, and I figured most of you who read this would be happy to hear that. I'm very happy to share it. If you're interested in more details, I'll do my best to fill you in below. If not, just thank God with me for some relief in whatever form!**





So ... I was taking the Levaquin (antibiotic), some probiotics, and the Celebrex (for inflammation and pain). I think that's where I last left you. The Celebrex wasn't working. I mean, it took the edge off a little bit, but I was still in tons of pain. Every day still sucked. Last week, we called the doc and told him that my smart sister's wedding was coming up the following weekend, and I needed something that would make me feel better for the festivities. He prescribed Vicoprofen, which is a combination of Hydrocodone and Ibuprofen (basically Vicodin's less popular cousin). Hydrocodone is a narcotic pain reliever, and obviously the Ibuprofen is for inflammation. Well, it didn't work either. It barely touched the pain. And it made me feel all woozy and high.

Once my brief fling with narcotics was over (6 hours later), we again called the doc and told him that life still sucked and I needed something else. I was determined to break the inflammation cycle that had been perpetually spinning for the last 7 months, and feel decent for the marriage bash. This time the doc pulled out all the stops and just went straight for the big guns: Steroids.

Prednisone: It's not good for you, people. Don't do drugs. But man, it works on inflammation. Thank God it works on inflammation. I started taking it last Wednesday night (four days before the Sunday wedding). It took a couple days to build up in my body, but it did the trick! Slowly but surely the inflammation started taking a hike. I felt pretty darn good on Sunday for the wedding (especially considering where I'd been for the previous months), and by today (Wednesday one week later), I'm feeling what I would call 'great' for the first time since ... well I don't have any idea when. Maybe ... July 2008? Somewhere around there.

It's not all gone—the pain and inflammation—there's definitely still stuff going on, but I don't really care right now. I drove myself to work rocking out to Jason Mraz, I can walk a normal speed, I can go up and down stairs, I can make two fists and raise my arms, I can pick up a carton of milk, I BBQd last night, I threw the ball for the dogs this morning, I picked up my oine year old nephew at the wedding, I finally could help my wife with house stuff like dishes and making the bed, I can dress and undress myself, I can dry myself off after the shower ... etc etc.

Life rocks when it doesn't suck. You know? Don't take it for granted, people. Please don't.

So, the question you're all wondering about I can't yet answer. I don't know what's next. But Prednisone is horrible for your body. This is NOT a long-term solution. On the advise of the doc I'm going to continue taking it through the end of the antibiotic course (basically the end of this month), and then taper it off after that. Where we go from there and how my body reacts is still a mystery. All I can tell you is that I'm happy to be out of most of the pain right now, and I'm enjoying it while I can. Time to clean out the garage this weekend (yes, that's a good thing)!

Well, I'm home.

Back at work again today. Apparently the world doesn't stop while I go away for medical treatment. Go figure.

We did the drive home in two days. Stayed over in SLC (Salt Lake City for the layperson) on Friday night. Valeen suggested that we venture out and drive around 'til we find somewhere interesting to eat, so we did (despite my objections). As usual, she was right and we stumbled across this crazy downtown "fusion restaurant" called Sapa. Dudes. It was delicious. I think the stuff we got was Thai. They also served Sushi and stuff there. So good. Anyway, that was probably the highlight of the trip home.

As for me, I'm a few days into the regimen that we discussed in my last post, and so far things are going okay. I am taking the Celebrex, so I'm in less pain than I have been for the past 4-5 months. I'm not entirely sure how long it'll take to know whether or not the atibiotics are working, but I'll let you know when I know anything.

Other than that, it looks like I'm in wait-and-pray-and-see mode for a little while. Come back soon though cause I've got a pretty long stuff-to-do-once-God-heals-me list going, and I'm gonna post it up on this here blog. I'll probably even take suggestions.

Try this on for size.

I haven't known what to write. All of the days here are starting to blur together; they're all the same it seems. I could give you the details of every day, but that would be repetitive and redundant. IV in the morning, push in the afternoon, reaction til it's time for bed. The push reactions have been miserable as usual, with the normal small improvements in my joint pain after each one (like I've mentioned before). I think by the time last Friday's push reaction was over, I felt about 60% better. Not bad for one week's work if it had stayed, but it didn't. I had to start over again this Monday.

The lack of sustained relief is the problem (I already mentioned this too I believe [I honestly have nothing new to say]). It seems my body is just too persistent on attacking itself. This aggressive treatment that I'm going through does well to take the symptoms down a notch daily, but they all come back. I've come to the conclusion that I can't live here in Reno and take a push every day for the rest of my life ... nor would I want to. So where does that leave us? Good question. Thanks for asking.

Here's the plan (I think I've said all this before too): The doc thinks that there's some other bacterial infection that's causing the symptoms (besides lyme which seems to be taken care of in my body). Because of that, and since the push doesn't seem to be touching this other infection, he's going to have me take a round of antibiotics when we leave here. The reason that I'm not starting them right away is that the antibiotics will render all homeopathic treatments useless. So I'll start after I leave. I think the course of antibiotics is pretty long (like 28 days) and I'll have to be taking probiotics at the same time to replenish my gut flora that is being killed off. I know, probiotics/antibiotics, seems lame. But if it works I'll be happy. How will I know if it worked? Another excellent question.

If the doc's theory is correct, then killing off this infection would be taking away the causative factor for my body's continued abuse of itself. Over time I would then start to see a decrease in my RA symptoms and begin feeling better. There are two other pieces to this puzzle too. As I take the antibiotics, I'll probably remain in a great deal of pain (if the past is any indication). I've used ibuprofen to allow myself to function in the past, but the doc now prescribed a different nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug instead; brand name: Celebrex. Supposedly it'll help me deal with the pain and inflammation without being as harsh on my stomach as ibuprofen.

The last piece to all this (assuming it works) is to try to get my immune system to stop attacking its own joints even after the causative factor is gone. The plan of action for that is basically chicken collagen. Collagen is the substance that makes up much of the connective tissues and cartilage in the joints. It is also what is being attacked and destroyed by my body. Many researchers have found that loading (taking a ton) of collagen can reduce or eliminate the autoimmune attack against the joints. In layman's terms (as I understand it) this basically works for two reasons:

1) Because whatever you put into your body by way of your mouth goes through the gut-associated lymphoid tissue (GALT), which is more commonly called the digestive tract's immune system. The reason this is important is because if the GALT recognizes collagen as food, then it automatically programs the body not to attack it as foreign. By switching off the "attack all collagen" message that my immune cells already carry, the plan is to get the attack on my own joints to stop too.

2) The other reason is a little simpler. Basically, if you overwhelm the system with a ton of whatever it's attacking, then you can get it to stop. Hmmm ... now that I write that it doesn't to make a whole lot of sense. But, that's what the doc told me, so there you go.

So in a nutshell when I leave here the plan of action looks like this:

Antibiotic to kill infection
Probiotics to replenish my supply
Celebrex for pain and inflammation
Tons of chicken collagen for the reasons above

You'll notice that this plan is not an "all natural, no medication" approach. I am very grateful to have a doctor who truly wants me to get better and is willing to use both homeopathic, natural remedies, and conventional medication when necessary. It's obvious that while his treatments have helped with my pain and did wonders to clear my blood of lyme, we still have not achieved sustained relief. Thus, the new plan.

Please pray with us that this new plan works. God has this thing all worked out, His plan is perfect. I may not like it, but His timing is perfect too. He knows what He's doing. We're praying that He's now ready to heal, and that if He doesn't do it with a miraculous snap of His heavenly fingers, then He does it through this new plan that we're trying. It's all we've got, so it's all we can do.

On a side note, in a Chipotle-deprived stupor, Valeen and I stumbled into a Qdoba for dinner this evening. I still can't get the blandness out of my mouth (and no, we can't have that crap on our diet). What a mistake.